Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize – six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?” To which the man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?”

“Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”

“Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.

As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.

Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.

“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”

“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”