Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in the back of a trailer, drinking a beer and talking about life.

Billy-Bob said: “If I snuck over to your house while you were out fishing and had sex with your wife, and she got pregnant, would that make us kin?”

Bubba scratched his head for a bit and said: “I don’t think so…but it sure would make us even.”

A ventriloquist set up a cart in a shopping mall, selling dummies and books of his art, but the business was desperately slow. After 3 months he had hardly made any money and feared that he would have to close down as he could no longer afford the rent. Eventually he confided in his accountant, who suggested: “Why don’t you try something completely different? Another client of mine is making a fortune as a psychic, conducting séances. That’s where the money is these days.”

So the ventriloquist changed his cart and set up business as a psychic offering 3 different rates for his service – $30, $50, and $100.

On his first day, a woman asked him about conducting a séance to contact her dead husband.

“Certainly, madam. As you can see there are three different prices of séance – $30, $50, and $100.

“What do I get for $30?” she inquired.

“For $30 you get to talk to your dead husband.”

“And for $50?”

“For $50 you get to talk to him, and he talks back.”

“And what do I get for $100?”

“For $100, you talk to him and he talks back to you while I drink a glass of water.”

A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: “You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty.”

“What happens when I’m fifty?” asked the young woman.

“Nothing,” said the fortune teller. “But you’ll be used to it by then.”

A new receptionist started work in a psychiatrist’s office, but at the end of her first day he felt he had to have a quietword with her.

“Your general approach is fine,” he said, “but try saying ‘We’re very busy’ rather than ‘It’s a madhouse.'”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”