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01/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15624
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.
One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”
She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their manhood through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”
The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”
The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his mickey through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”
“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”
The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
01/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15619
An atheist dies and goes to hell…
…and notices he’s in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he’s then greeted by Satan who says “sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you’re gonna love it here mate.”
Satan points to a nice house and says “what do you think of this house?”
The atheist replies “It’s beautiful, I could never afford anything like that in my life.”
Satan gave him a key ring and said “well it’s yours now. Free utilites, Netflix, Hulu, and there’s a PS5, Nintendo Switch, all your favorite John Hughes films, you name it! It’s all yours now, I like my residents to be cozy.”
The atheist thanked Satan. Satan replied “your welcome. But before you get settled, I got more to show you. Follow me!”
They walk further along the park. The sun is shining bright and there’s a nice fragrance in the air.
Then Satan points to a parking garage and says “click the button on your key ring.”
The atheist clicks it and notices a particular car flashing its lights.
He says, “is that a silver Tesla?”
Satan replied “I heard its your dream car, right? I just think that everyone deserves a reliable way of transportation. I don’t want anyone panting to get around in hell. That Tesla is all yours.”
The atheist thanked him. He and Satan continue walking through the park and things still seem amicable.
There are critters playing and flowers blooming.
Then a beautiful woman rushed up to the two and says “what’s up Satan…heyyyy, aren’t you a handsome looking fellow”.
Satan said, “everyone deserves the partner of their dreams so…”
The woman gives the atheist her number and says “here’s my number, call me when the tour’s over and we’ll have fun.”
The atheist is excited but continues walking with Satan. Then atheist suddenly sees a fence.
He gets a whiff of sulfur coming from the other side of the fence and hears some screaming.
He looks through a hole in the fence and notices people getting tortured and impaled and pools of magma.
The atheist is horrified and said “what is going on in there?”
Satan said “oh, those are the Christians. I won’t pretend to understand why, but they seem to prefer it that way”
01/20/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15616
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
“I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
“This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them.”
” Well, they are here, and you could have.”
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
“We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She Pleaded.
“Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
“But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes of discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
“But Madam, this check is for only $50.00”
“That’s correct” she replied
“I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the manager
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
01/19/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15613
I once dated a girl.
She told me she loved all animals.
When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.
I told her, “No, I am a butcher”
01/18/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15606
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Iphone cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Ipad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman in the U.S. government,” says the cowboy. “Wow, that’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
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