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01/07/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15574
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt.
A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says “hey man, can I hit that?”
Koala says “hell yeah man come on up and get you some”
Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together.
The weed is incredible and before long the effects are taking hold.
The lizard, having cottonmouth says to the koala “man I really need somethin to drink”
Koala says “head on down the road a bit and you’ll get to a river, get you a drink and come back”
Lizard scurries down the tree, heads down the road, gets to the river and starts drinking his fill.
He’s so stoned, though, that he loses balance and falls into the water.
A passing crocodile sees the lizard, scoops him up and puts him back on the shore.
The croc says “dude you look stoned as shit, you good?”
Lizard says “yeah man down the road the koala has some of the best weed I’ve ever come across.
Go up there and see if he’ll let you hit the blunt”
Croc starts heading up the road and soon he’s at the base of the tree.
Koala looks down, sees the croc and says “DAMN DUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!?!?”
01/06/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15567
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre@st and he gently pinches each n!ppl3. He pushes her bre@sts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre@sts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
01/05/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15565
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire.
“What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
01/04/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15562
One day a blind man goes to a restaurant. The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu.
The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.
The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.
The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef steak with mash potatoes and gravy and some chocolate brownies for dessert.”
The server brings him his food and the blind man enjoys his meal, pays the bill and leaves.
Next week, the blind man goes back to the same restaurant.
The server recognizes him and wanting to see how good the blind man’s sense of smell is, he goes to the kitchen and asks his wife, Brenda, for a spoon.
He instructs his wife, Brenda, to rub the spoon all over her private parts and so she does.’
The server hands the dirty spoon to the blind man.
The blind man takes a whiff and says:“I didn’t know Brenda worked here.”
01/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15558
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims…
“Wow, what a great chest you have!”
“He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”