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01/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15555
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
“Mom, I’d love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days.”
“Oh I don’t know, airfare is so expensive these days.”
“Mom, I’ll fly you out on Air Force One!”
“Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous.”
“Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here.”
“But accommodations, especially during the inau—”
“MOM!! I’ll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!”
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
“Who was that?”
“My son.”gasp
“The doctor??”
“No, the other one.”
01/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15553
An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the devil that they don’t belong here.
The devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it.
The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation.
The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives.
The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go.The Indian asks, “May I stay and watch?
In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time”.
The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: “So, what will you use as a shield?”
The Russian replies, “The Indian, of course”.
12/31/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15551
Did you hear about the shy guy who called an escort service? Well, a beautiful woman knocked on his hotel door and he let her in. He tells the lady, “I must tell you ma’am that I’m hung like a baby.”
Instantly she likes the poor guy and says, “now don’t you worry. When I’m done with you, you’re gonna feel like a man. Now you just go and get undressed and crawl into bed there and I’m going to freshen up in the restroom but I’ll be right out, ok?”
Well, he shrugs his shoulders and did as she asked. A few minutes later the door to the bathroom opens and there stands this incredible, stunning woman.
She goes over to the bed and crawls in and isn’t there for but just a few seconds when she screams, throws back the covers and looks at the guys p3n!$!
“I thought you said you were hung like a baby?” She asked…
He answered, “I am! 8 lbs. 21 inches!”
12/30/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15549
Little Johnny says, “All right. I got one. There’s a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand.
He says ‘Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!’ The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen.”
“Oh my,” the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.”So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
The horse is so very thankful.” “What happened next?” the teacher asks, feeling relieved.”
A couple days later… the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, ‘Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!’
So the horse thinks to himself, ‘Well… I could probably stand over this quicksand.’ So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, ‘Grab hold of my pen!$ ‘
So the chicken grabs hold of the horse’s pen!$ and gets pulled out.”
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, “Umm… Johnny? That’s nice and all, but what’s the moral of the story?”
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, “The moral of the story is: if you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.”
12/29/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15547
An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.” “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:”Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.