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04/02/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18253
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,
“I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage… and that much misery is enough!”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son yells.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old dad explained. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong
Kong and tell her!”.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him,
“You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, you
hear me?”
she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says,
“it’s all set. They’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.”
04/01/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18250
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your
clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams,
“I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
03/31/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18246
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts:
That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers:
Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
03/30/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18243
A man is driving past a farm when he runs over a rooster.
He feels bad about it, so he collects the rooster and goes to knock on the door of the farmhouse.
When the farmer opens the door, the man says, “I’m afraid I’ve run over your rooster, it was out in the road. I really do apologize, and I’m more than happy to replace him.”
The farmer has a puzzled look for a moment, but then says,
“Well, if you really want to go around back and m@@@@@te with the hens, be my guest, but I’d rather you just pay for a new rooster.”
03/29/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18238
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls. The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because
it bit off my ear. I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
“Good guess, but no, I named it Hanc}}})ck”