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10/29/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21375
A sleek, black limo rolled up to a red light and idled like it owned the road which, given its price tag, it practically did. Moments later, a humble Mini Cooper sputtered in beside it, looking like it had just survived a round of musical chairs with garden gnomes.
From the back of the limo, a businessman in a suit so expensive it probably had its own passport leaned out the window. “Behold!” he announced, as if unveiling the eighth wonder of the world. “This isn’t just a car it’s a rolling palace! ABS brakes, airbags for everyone (even the invisible emotional support corgi), climate control that reads your mood, a satellite TV embedded in the ceiling, photochromatic glass that tans for you, a mini-bar stocked with artisanal disappointment, and an onboard computer so smart it files my taxes and judges my life choices!”
The Mini driver blinked. “Cool. But… does it have a video screen?”
The light turned green. The limo glided away in dignified silence except for the businessman’s ego, which was quietly sobbing in the back seat.
Mortified by this glaring omission (how would he ever watch The Great British Bake Off in traffic again?), he stormed into the dealership that very afternoon and demanded a state-of-the-art video screen installed gold-plated remote included.
A few days later, fate (or terrible city planning) brought them together again at the same traffic light. This time, the Mini was parked on the curb, windows fogged up like it was hosting a sauna party, with steam curling out of a cracked window.
The businessman couldn’t resist. He leapt from his limo, strode over, and rapped sharply on the Mini’s window.
After a long pause, the window slid down just enough to reveal a very damp, very annoyed Mini driver wrapped in a towel, shampoo still in his hair.
“I got a DVD player!” the businessman declared triumphantly.
The Mini driver stared. Then groaned.
“Dude… you pulled me out of the shower… for that?!”
And with that, he rolled up the window, cranked the hot water back on, and left the limo and its very confused owner steaming in more ways than one.
10/28/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21372
At one point during a hockey game, the coach pulled aside one of his 7-year-old players and got down to business.
“Alright, champ,” the coach began, “do you know what cooperation means? Like, do you understand this whole ‘teamwork makes the dream work’ thing?”
The kid gave an enthusiastic nod, looking like he was ready to accept a Nobel Prize for wisdom.
“Great!” said the coach. “And you get that winning isn’t everything, right? It’s about playing together, having fun, and not turning into a bunch of angry penguins out there.”
Another eager nod from the little philosopher on skates.
“Okay, so when the ref calls a penalty,” the coach went on, “you’re NOT supposed to throw a tantrum, scream like a banshee, or shout creative insults at him—like calling him a ‘refrigerator head’ or something equally ridiculous.”
The boy nodded again, clearly soaking up all this life-changing advice.
“Also,” the coach added, leaning in dramatically, “when I bench you so someone else can play, it’s probably not cool to call me a ‘glazed donut’ under your breath. Got it?”
Nod number three. This kid was nailing the art of silent agreement.
“Perfect!” said the coach, patting him on the shoulder. “Now go explain all this to your mom because she’s currently yelling at the ref, calling ME names, and threatening to chuck her coffee cup onto the ice.”
10/27/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21367
Daily Joke: Customer Wants Half a Lettuce Clerks Quick Save Leads to an Epic Brazil Roast Gone Wrong
A grocery clerk is deep in the leafy trenches of the produce aisle probably having a more meaningful relationship with romaine than with actual humans when a customer strolls up and drops a bombshell request: “Can I just get half a head of lettuce?”
The clerk blinks like he’s been asked to split an atom.
“Uh, no. We sell lettuce whole. Not half-baked… or half-leafed.”
Customer, unfazed: “Fine. Go fetch your manager. I’ll ask him.”
Clerk storms off, muttering under his breath. He finds the manager and hisses:
“Dude, there’s some total walnut out there demanding half a head of lettuce”
…then freezes.
Because standing right behind him, arms crossed and eyebrow arched like a disappointed garden gnome, is the customer.
In a flash of improv genius (or sheer panic), the clerk spins around, beams like a game show host, and announces:
“AND this fine gentleman would like to purchase the other half! It’s a lettuce love story!”
Later, after the customer departs, the manager claps him on the back:
“Smooth recovery! Where’d you learn to think on your feet like that?”
“Brazil,” says the kid proudly.
“Brazil? Beautiful place! Why’d you leave?”
Kid shrugs: “Eh… back home, it’s either soccer gods or sirens in sequins. No in-between.”
Manager’s face darkens. “…My wife is from Brazil.”
Without skipping a single heartbeat, the kid leans in, eyes twinkling:
“No way! Which club does she play for?”
10/26/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21363
Not long ago, in the dusty heart of the Outback, a lone police cruiser sat parked outside a bar like a very patient, slightly bored kangaroo. Just after last call, the officer spotted a bloke wobbling out of the pub like a penguin on roller skates—so gloriously sloshed he looked like gravity was personally offended by him.
The man staggered around the car park like he’d never seen a vehicle before, fumbling his keys into door handles like he was trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. He gave five wrong cars a solid go—each one politely declining his drunken advances—before finally collapsing into what he hoped was his own ride.
Once inside, he sat there like a confused sloth, watching as sober(ish) patrons peeled out one by one. Then came the main event: he fired up the engine, cranked the wipers (on a bone-dry, starry summer night), flashed his blinkers like he was Morse-coding aliens, blasted the horn like he was summoning Bigfoot, and flicked the headlights on and off like he was trying to signal a passing UFO.
He inched forward, reversed like he’d forgotten which pedal did what, then just… sat. Contemplating life. Or maybe his shoelaces.
Finally, when he was the last soul in the lot—everyone else having wisely fled—he rolled out onto the road at the speed of a sleepy tortoise.
That’s when Officer Patience™ sprang into action. Sirens wailing (well, chirping politely), lights flashing like a disco ball with authority issues, he pulled the man over and whipped out the breathalyzer.
The result? Stone-cold sober. Not a whiff of grog.
The cop blinked. “Mate… this machine’s gotta be busted. You’re coming down to the station.”
The man straightened his shirt with theatrical pride and declared, “Nah, mate. The machine’s fine. Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
Cue the tumbleweeds—and the officer’s shattered faith in humanity.
10/25/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21358
A 15-year-old rolled up to his house in a shiny new Porsche.
His parents nearly choked on their dinner.
“WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CAR?!” they shrieked, eyes bulging like cartoon characters.
The kid leaned coolly against the hood. “Bought it today.”
“WITH WHAT MONEY?!” they howled. “We know how much a Porsche costs—it’s basically a small country!”
“Fifteen bucks,” he shrugged.
Silence. Then louder screaming. “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND SELLS A PORSCHE FOR FIFTEEN DOLLARS?!”
“Lady up the street,” he said. “New neighbor. Didn’t catch her name. She saw me cruising by on my rusty bike, rolled down her window, and goes, ‘Hey kid—you wanna buy a Porsche for $15?’ So… I said yes?”
His mom clutched her pearls. “Oh sweet merciful pancakes—she’s clearly unhinged! Probably lures kids in with sports cars and serves them mystery meat! John, GO. Investigate. NOW.”
So Dad marched up the street like a suburban detective, ready to confront a supervillain.
Instead, he found the “lady” cheerfully planting petunias, humming like nothing was wrong.
He cleared his throat. “Ma’am, I’m the father of the boy you just sold a $150,000 Porsche to… for fifteen dollars. Care to explain?”
She didn’t even look up from her begonias.
“Oh, that? Yeah—my husband called this morning. Thought he was in Cleveland for ‘meetings.’ Turns out he’s in Hawaii with his secretary. Who then ghosted him and emptied his bank account. Left him stranded in a luau with nothing but a lei and regret.”
She patted the dirt off her gloves.
“So he begged me to sell his brand-new Porsche and wire him the cash. And honey? I did. But I kept the first $15 for emotional damages. The rest? Already on its way to paradise.”
Dad stood there, stunned.
Then quietly got back in his minivan… and drove home to rethink his entire life.