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There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?”
The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!” The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!”
The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.”
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I’m gonna have one.”
The bartender hears this and says, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I’m going to sneak a quick one.”
The businessman then says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years.”
The bartender jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”
A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.
The rabbi goes, “Man, you’ve put on some weight since last time!”
Priest: “Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it.”
Rabbi: “Sure, but the waiter won’t believe you, right?”
Priest: “Of course he won’t. That’s when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying.”
Rabbi: “Very nice, I’ll be trying this.”
Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.
Rabbi: “Oh, I already paid.”
Waiter: “Mmm, I’m pretty sure you did not sir.”
Rabbi: “You know I’m a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid.”
Waiter: “So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you’re good to go.”
15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes… 45 minutes… 1 hour and he is still there!
The waiter walks up to him, “Sir, why are you still here?”
Rabbi: “Well, I’m waiting for the change!”
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move,” said the broker. “It’s only $1 a share.”
“Buy me 1,000 shares,” said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.”
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares.”
“Great!” said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”
The broker asked, “To who? You were the only one buying that stock.”
Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there. He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the humble shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.
One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: What do you think of the stock market situation?
The Director arrogantly asks him: Why are you so interested in this subject?
The shoeshine man replies: I have a million dollars invested in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market.
The CEO of the bank asks: What is your name?
He replies: John Smith H.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department: Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?
The Customer Service Manager for Major Accounts replies: We certainly do, Sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has a million dollars in his account.
The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says: Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I’m sure we will have a lot to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I’m sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story.
Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe and with a weird and unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket. The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success. Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples. Eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business.
I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money. When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes. I didn’t spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved a penny after penny.
After a while, I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.
I didn’t spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars….
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”