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Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A guy was at a bar and needed to fart.
He controlled himself for almost half an hour and couldn’t leave the bar because he didn’t want to lose his favorite spot.
So he decided to turn up the music so loud so that he could just go for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music.
After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring at him.
Then he realized that he was listening to his iPod.
You have a father he becomes a father-in-law.
You have a son he becomes a son-in-law.
You have a daughter she becomes a daughter-in-law.
You have a mother she becomes a mother-in-law.
You have a wife what does she become….?
“SHE IS THE LAW”
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60- year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”
“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old.
When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore.
You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.” With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
“Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
“Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?”
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.
“Practice this and when you can do it, I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,” said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.
She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.
He replied, “Shit woman!” as he stepped further away.
“If that thing barks like that for a biscuit,
I sure as hell don’t want to throw any meat at it!”