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A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess- small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered his response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says…”Heinz Baked beans … $1.50
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet. He stood and said…
“My name is Dan,
and when I become a man,
I would like to go to Japan if I can,
and I think I can.”
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating,
“My name is Suzy,
and when I become a lady
I would like to have a baby if I can,
and I think I can.”
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said,
“My name is Johnny,
and I don’t give a damn about Japan
but I would like to help Suzy
in her plan if I can
and I think I can!”