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Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.
One is crying.
The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.”
“Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says “look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.”
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
“Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.
“He did,” says the drunk.
“But he shit in my pants too.”
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys sex more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better… your ear or your finger?”
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the Mother superior.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun.
“After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun.
“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“IS THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Mother Superior.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands…
First floor – The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.”
The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.
Second floor – The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But I wonder what’s further up?”
Third floor- This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor so further up they went.
Fourth floor – This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!” So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor- The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs. “