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14 Shares
09/21/2020 from DailyJokes
#13638

Nickname

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.

But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.


Eating out

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.


Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


Groceries

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.


Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.


Dressing up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.


Laundry

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”


Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Funny +71
-47 Not Funny
09/20/2020 from DailyJokes
#13633

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an erection.

You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

I’m still looking for a place to live.

Funny +158
-23 Not Funny
09/19/2020 from DailyJokes
#13628

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.

The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,

there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”

The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn”.

Funny +105
-55 Not Funny
09/18/2020 from DailyJokes
#13625

Psycologists say that there is one thing humans can never get right.

Hear someone on the phone and portray them exactly how they are.

So a guy dials a wrong number and a girl picks up. Now from her voice he starts to think that this girls is very pretty.

So he starts chatting with her about random stuff and they agree to meet.

Guy: Where do you wanna meet?

Girl: We’ll meet at the juice place.

Guy: Ok but how am I gonna recognize you?

Girl: I’ll be wearing *this* outfit.

Guy: Ok

Girl: How am I gonna recognize you?

Guy: I will be holding a glass of Mango juice

Girl: Ok. What time?

Guy 12 o’clock.

Girl: Ok. 12 o’clock it is.

So the guy goes to the juice place a little before 12 and asks the bartender, ”get me a Mango juice”

Bartender: Sorry Sir but we don’t have Mango juice today.

Guy: O’ come on give me an Orange juice then

Bartender: Sorry sir but we don’t have that either.

Guy: Okay give me something that looks like orange/yellow in colour

Bartender: Sir, we have Lemonade.

Guy: Lemonade? Yeah that will work

So he hold the glass of lemonade waiting for the girl.

She enters the place and the guy quickly recognizes her from the dress and says to himself, ”She ain’t pretty”

So he, you know, tries to ignore her.

She comes up to him and says, ”Are you Chris?”

Guy: Excuse me? Chris? No

Girl recognizes his voice: Yes you are.

Guy: No I am no Chris

Girl: Yes you are. We talked on phone. You said we’ll meet at this place.

Guy: Whats the matter with you woman? Does this look like Mango juice to you?

Funny +47
-76 Not Funny
09/17/2020 from DailyJokes
#13620

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady started taking off her clothes…..

Doctor, stopping her: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue.”

Funny +180
-21 Not Funny
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