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14 Shares
09/16/2020 from DailyJokes
#13617
Heaven en Espanol

 

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my Money to the church, would that get me

Into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed The garden and kept everything tidy, would That get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was ‘No!’

By now I was starting to smile.

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and Gave sweets t o all the children and Loved my wife, would that get me

Into heaven?”

Again, they all answered ‘No!’

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven ?”

A six year old boy shouted,

“Yuv got tae be fuk*n’ dead”

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye…

Funny +83
-47 Not Funny
09/15/2020 from DailyJokes
#13612

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say “It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, “Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said, “Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says, “Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said, “How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says, “If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

Funny +135
-12 Not Funny
09/14/2020 from DailyJokes
#13608
I Love You en Espanol

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, “I love you.”

She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

I replied, “It’s me talking to the beer.”

Funny +144
-28 Not Funny
09/13/2020 from DailyJokes
#13600

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little

‘whoops’ and prays that a sales person wasn’t anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he’s good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’,

she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam . . if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh&t when I tell you the price.”

Funny +148
-13 Not Funny
09/12/2020 from DailyJokes
#13595
The New Priest en Espanol

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the ###### out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

Funny +109
-30 Not Funny
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