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08/20/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18751
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
08/18/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18750
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week,
so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat ?
08/17/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18747
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says,
‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest
way possible.’
The man says,
‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies,
‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
08/16/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18743
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says,
“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow
you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
“Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike.
“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”
Friends rock! heaven or he..
08/15/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18731
An old lady calls 911 late one night…
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers
“911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them .”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”