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08/09/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18716
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says –
Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle – I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle – Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says –
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
08/08/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18713
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
08/07/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18710
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies:
“I did … today I’m taking them to the beach!”
08/06/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18705
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
08/05/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18700
Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.
She finally had to ask:
“Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.
The mother quickly replied.
“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”
“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”
“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”