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03/13/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18183
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said,
“It’s not his fault.”
03/12/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18176
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!”, says the leopard,
“That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
“Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
“What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet and waits until they get
just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says,
“I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
03/11/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18173
An old lady is turning 100.
She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office and the bank with no problems.
Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town.
On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honouring her as the oldest person in the town.
There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her.
The reporter asks her:
– What is your secret for a long and healthy life?
– It’s simple, – she says – never have I in my entire life argued with another person.
– That is impossible! – the reporter says.
– You’re right. – says the old lady.
03/10/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18170
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one ki444$ per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl.
“I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,
“Grandpa will pay the bill.”
03/09/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18167
An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.
One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company.
Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with JOY
Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of
pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation:
“Well, I can’t throw that far!”