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08/04/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18697
A Man Walks Into a Bar, he leans over and says to the bartender,
“Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you’ve never seen it before?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but it had better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano.
He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, “Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender,
“Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as that hamster, then sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says,
“What a performer! I’ll give you $500 for that frog.”
The first man says, “It’s a deal!” and sells the guy his frog.
The bartender shakes his head slowly. “Not that it’s any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog.
Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “Nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”
08/03/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18694
3 young rats stopped at a bar in a rough neighborhood one night.
They got to talking and bragging about how tough each of them were.
One rat downs a shot of bourbon and slams the glass on the bar.
He turns to the other two and says when I see a trap, I lay on my back and set it off with my tail.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth.
I bench press it twenty time to work up an appetite then make off with the cheese.
The second rat orders up 2 shots of Tequila and drinks them both and slams the glasses down.
He turns to the other 2 and Oh yeah! When I see rat poison, I grab as much as I can and take it home.
I grind it up to a powder and put some in my coffee every morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of my day.
The first and second rat turn to the third one, like to say what do got?
The third rat drinks the rest of his beer and says I ain’t got time for this shit.
I got to get home to have Coffee Date with the Cat…..
08/02/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18690
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
08/01/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18686
A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.
“All right, lets make this quick, I have things to do. Says the bored agent.
“What’s your talent?”
The man says,
“Its not me sir, its my dog — he talks!”
“Yeah, right,” says the agent.
“I don’t have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out.”
“No, wait,” says the man.
“I’ll prove it.”
He turns to the dog and asks,
“What do you normally find on top of a house?”
“Roof!” says the dog, wagging his tail.
“Listen, pal…” says the agent.
“Wait,” says the man,
“I’ll ask another question.”
He turns to the dog again and asks,
“How does sandpaper feel?”
“Rough!” exclaims the dog.
“Quit wasting my time and get out of here.” sighs the agent.
“One more chance,” pleads the man.
Turning to the dog again, he asks,
“Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?”
“Ruth!” barked the dog.
The man turns to the agent with a bright smile.
“Okay, that’s it!” says the agent.
He gets up and forces the man and the dog out the door.
Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says:
“Joe Dimaggio?”
07/31/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18679
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit,
so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests,
“Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies,
“No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare,
“Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”