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12/27/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21615
’Twas the night before Christmas, the house calm and still,
As I hunted for tools at my partner’s goodwill.
We studied instructions with hope and with fear,
Determined to conquer “assembly required.”
The children lay quiet (wide awake in their beds),
While dread slowly crept through the thoughts in our heads.
A kitchen, two bicycles, Barbie’s whole town,
And a train from Grandpa that chirped every round.
We opened the boxes—my heart nearly stopped,
Please let nothing be missing, no pieces be dropped.
No time for returns, no swaps to be made;
Get this wrong and it’s basement-bound, I’m afraid.
Then what did my anxious eyes come to see,
But fifty-page manuals, confusing as can be.
Every part numbered, each hole precisely named,
So failure meant clearly ourselves to be blamed.
Faster than eagles, the components spilled free,
Across all the carpet in wild disarray.
“Now tighten! Now turn it! No—attach it right there!
Add the seat, fix the steps, mind the stair!”
Bang went the hammer, glue stuck to a stand.
“Honey,” he muttered, “you’ve glued to my hand.”
And then it was clear, without doubt or denial,
The toy makers met long ago with a smile,
Agreeing parents should labour all night
On Christmas Eve builds till the morning brings light.
We spoke not a word, just worked through the pain,
With tired, aching fingers and eyes going strain.
The coffee went cold, the night stretched on thin,
Till the final last screw and the ultimate pin.
At last tools were packed and put safely away,
We collapsed into bed as dawn neared the day.
Just before sleep claimed me, I whispered out loud,
“This Christmas will be perfect—I’m certain, I’m proud.
Tomorrow we’ll laugh, let the festivities start,
No rushing to shops, no last-minute cart.
We did it, we did it, the toys all stand ready
The most perfect Christmas already, I’m steady.”
Off into dreamland I thankfully went,
Until one small thought caused deep discontent…
For all of that effort, that sweat and those tears
I forgot that the batteries are never included.
12/26/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21606
A man calls a company and signs up for their 5-day, 5-pound weight-loss program.
The very next morning, there’s a knock at his door. Standing outside is a fit, curvy 19-year-old woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as the company representative. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
He doesn’t hesitate. He takes off running after her. A few miles later, completely winded, he gives up. The same thing happens for the next four days. On day five, he steps on the scale and is thrilled to see he’s lost 5 pounds—right on target.
Impressed, he calls back and orders the 5-day, 10-pound program.
The next morning, another knock. This time it’s the most stunning, breathtaking woman he’s ever seen, again wearing only running shoes and a sign that says, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
He chases her every day for five days, pushing himself harder each time. By the end of the program, he’s in great shape—and down another 10 pounds, just as promised.
Feeling unstoppable, he calls the company again and orders their 7-day, 25-pound program.
The representative hesitates. “Are you sure? This is our toughest plan.”
“Absolutely,” he says. “I’ve never felt better.”
The next morning, there’s a knock at the door.
He opens it to find a massive, muscular man wearing pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
“If I catch you, you’re mine.”
12/25/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21604
A doctor was speaking to a packed audience in Oxford about modern nutrition.
“The junk we put into our bodies should have wiped most of us out years ago,” he said. “Red meat is pumped with additives and coloring. Soft drinks eat away at the stomach lining. Chinese food is full of MSG. Diets high in trans fats are extremely harmful, and we barely consider the long-term damage caused by bacteria in our drinking water.”
He paused, then added, “But there is one food that is more dangerous than all the rest—something most of us have eaten or will eat. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most pain and suffering years after it’s consumed?”
After a moment of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and quietly replied:
“Wedding cake?”
12/24/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21600
On the edge of a small town stood a large, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One afternoon, two boys gathered a bucket full of pecans and sat beneath the tree, hidden from view, dividing up their harvest.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” one boy counted aloud. A few nuts slipped from their hands and rolled down toward the fence.
Just then, another boy rode past on his bicycle. As he passed the cemetery, he thought he heard voices coming from inside. Curious, he slowed down—and sure enough, he heard:
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
Certain he knew what was happening, he jumped back on his bike and pedaled off. Just around the bend, he ran into an old man walking slowly with a cane.
“Come quick!” the boy said. “You won’t believe this—the Lord and the Devil are in the cemetery dividing up souls!”
The old man grumbled, “Get along, kid. Can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”
But the boy insisted, and finally the man hobbled back with him.
Standing by the fence, they listened.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Son, you weren’t lying. Let’s see if we can catch a glimpse of the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the iron fence but couldn’t see anyone. They gripped the cold bars tighter, straining to see.
Then they heard the final words:
“One for you, one for me. That’s it. Now let’s grab the ones by the fence and be done.”
The old man didn’t hesitate—he took off for the gate, beating the boy by a mile.
12/23/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21597
A man is cruising along a lonely highway when a roadside sign catches his eye:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He shakes it off, assuming he imagined it, and keeps driving. A few minutes later, another sign appears:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Now intrigued, he continues on until a third sign confirms it:
SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
Curiosity wins. He turns in and parks in front of a grim stone building. Beside the door is a modest sign with the same name. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door opens to a nun in a long black habit.
“What may we do for you, my son?” she asks.
“I saw the signs along the highway,” he replies, “and I was interested in doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
She leads him through a maze of twisting corridors until he’s completely disoriented. Finally, she stops at a closed door.
“Please knock,” she says.
He does, and another nun answers, also in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
“Please place fifty dollars in the cup,” the nun instructs, “then proceed through the large wooden door at the end of the hall.”
He drops the money into the cup and eagerly heads down the hallway. He slips through the door and pulls it shut behind him.
The door locks.
Suddenly, he’s back outside in the parking lot, staring at a small sign that reads:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON